The Wife’s Role

Posted : Tuesday February 13, 2007 |

Preface: The Following Devotional comes from our sister, Becky McGee. This was a talk she gave at our Marriage Sunday School class on February 11. The blessing it gave to all in attendance was amazing and by popular request, it has been inserted in our shepherd’s notes for the benefit of the entire church. We encourage you to read and be edified! -Pastor S.D. Acosta

“Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchman stands guard in vain.” Ps 127:1-2

I have come to understand what that scripture means in my life, and in my marriage. For many years, despite knowing the Lord, I chose to put my relationship with my husband first, not God. I have also come to learn that part of my reason in doing that was to try to get what I needed from Gene and not the Lord…..Not only did I not get it, Gene could not give it. But let me go back to the beginning, before I go back to Gene’s and my beginning…..

In Genesis 2:8, we learn that: “the Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it.” (The man is now charged to govern the earth responsibly under God’s sovereignty.

In Genesis 2:18-23, we read: “The Lord then said: “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him. Then the Lord created beasts and birds which he brought to the man and whatever the man named them, that was its name.” (Note: God placed Adam over the beasts and birds). Scripture then says: “But for Adam, no suitable helper was found. So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, He took one of the man’s ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib He had taken out of the man, and He brought her to the man. The man said: This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called “woman” for she was taken out of man”. This was now his helper!

We are familiar with what happened then….the serpent “more crafty than any of the wild animals the Lord God had made” (Genesis 3:1), questioned and enticed the woman to eat of the forbidden fruit. The woman ate it and “she also gave some to her husband who was with her, and he ate it.” (Genesis 3:6) Please note that Adam was with Eve as she was being enticed; please also note that the serpent was not greater than Adam, but had been named by Adam; therefore, Adam was over and in charge of the serpent. Adam was there; he sat by and watched and allowed not only his wife to sin, but allowed the serpent to be in control. He gave up his God given power and control.

Life changed for Adam and Eve.

Now back to Gene and I. I believe I am not alone when I say that I came into marriage thinking that Gene would provide my needs and together we could face the world, handle problems, and be together.

Boy, was I wrong!! This was not only impractical, it wasn’t biblical. Deuteronomy 6:4-9 says: “Hear O Israel: the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.” This is God’s command – not a choice. But He goes on further: “This commandment that I give you today is to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on the doorframes of your house and on your gates.”

WOW! Not only was I being disobedient to God’s command to put HIM first, I wasn’t (actually, we weren’t) impressing this command on our children, and also not demonstrating this to the world. Like Eve, I did not put God’s command first in our marriage.

I’ve come to understand what God’s command doesn’t say! It doesn’t say love the Lord when it is convenient, when it fits into my schedule, when it doesn’t interfere with my family life, my job, even my husband. Somehow we not only have mixed up the priorities set for us very clearly in scripture, but we have added our own twists to make it comfortable, socially acceptable and tolerable.

God is saying we must love Him first, then we are to love others. Wives, how can we expect to love our husbands, if we choose to put our relationship with the Lord last…or when it is convenient? It is interesting that when we put God first, somehow He always makes time for the other things to get done. But have you noticed, that often when we put the other things first, we never have time to spend with Him? We are too tired, too busy and too active to stop and spend time with Him.

We are called into relationship with God continually. I believe God asks that question of us today…is our relationship with Him our first priority? If not, how do we understand submission? Have we become so consumed with what we think is important, that we have failed to read/remember His COMMAND?

When we complain that our husbands or wives are not doing what they should be doing, not being what we think they should be, perhaps we need to ask ourselves: Am I seeking Him? Do I cherish my relationship with God as my number one priority? Is my life really about God, or about me, my needs? God’s word says in Matthew 6:33: “But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well”; in Luke 10:27: “Love the Lord God with all your heart, and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind; and love your neighbor as yourself.” Why do I think that God will bless me with a human relationship to fill the need that I have been commanded to seek in Him? How is it that I have changed God’s priorities with my own, and then think He will honor my priorities when I am in disobedience to His commands? I expect Him to fix my marriage even when I am disobedient. I am out of order.

For many years, I sought that relationship with Gene. I tried harder, but it never really worked. However, I did succeed in suffocating my husband; I also denied him the truth that he could never answer all my needs, that only Jesus could do that; that our marriage would only succeed if we allowed Jesus to be the center. Because I saw Gene as the answer, I also denied him my role as helper (the command from God to ME)….to help him……to grow, to see his weakness and find his strength in Christ; to grow into the man God was calling him to be. He also couldn’t help me because my defenses had become very strong – the harder I tried, the more I gave, the harder it was for me to give over my control, to become submissive.

None of this makes sense in the world. Saying that if I let go, I will gain; if I lay down, He will give back; that in my weakness is His strength. The world won’t support God’s commands because it requires faith.

It is that submission that God has called me to speak about today. It says in Ephesians 5:22: “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the Church.”

Submission is a word that many hate, fear and avoid. It brings instant messages/visuals to mind and many are not life-giving or loving. My prayer today is that the Holy Spirit would teach us what it means to be submissive in marriage and that we would seek His wisdom and understanding as to how to live that in our marriages.

By God’s grace and His mercy, I have begun to understand the scriptural meaning of submission; I did not learn it quickly or easily. Colossians 3:18 says, “Wives, submit to your husbands as is fitting in the Lord”!!!!

I have been taught by a very patient God, and a very loving husband who is choosing to take up the role God has commanded him to take. I thank God he has taken on his role – that when I can’t let go, he steps in and takes it from me and gives me the freedom I need. Through the recognizing and forgiveness of my sins, I am learning what a grace submission really is, what a gift it is and what a provision it is.

God meets us where we are. When I first began to see submission take root, it often was the blessing that taught me the lesson. Isn’t that what Christ did for so many… the woman in adultery, the tax collector? He showed them mercy in their need when they cried out to them.

My taking over control did not help Gene….it actually hurt him because I became an enabler of his work habits, his absenteeism as a Dad and husband. God worked in both of us. When God got his attention, my husband responded to God’s call and I am grateful for his obedience. He helped me be obedient.

You see, it isn’t just about submission, it is about faith…faith in God, faith that God’s word is true and His plan for me is good, as well as faith in Gene. We get caught on the word submission. We fear we will be denied, overlooked, used and abandoned. But God’s word says we are not to fear. “So do not fear for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you and I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10.

Women: God is greater than the failures of your husband!

It is a common thread that we women have a control issue. Unfortunately, when our men do not take up the mantle they have been given to lead us (and be the head of our homes), we quickly slip in and take over. Sometimes, because we appear to do it so well, and because our husbands feel inadequate, they allow us to strip them of their power….in exchange for what they think is peace. We don’t trust them; we don’t have faith in them; we don’t believe in them. It is these messages to our husbands that leave them wounded, sometimes powerless and impotent.

God is greater than the failures of your husband!

One of my sons once told me that I didn’t trust him to make the right decision – that I just assumed he would make the wrong decision and fail. I had stepped in, taken control and made the decision for him. Do you know what he said to me? He said he didn’t remember the decision I had made; what he did remember was my mistrust of him, my lack of faith in him, and how I made him feel about himself. He felt less……and wounded. I didn’t allow him to fail or succeed. Are we guilty of that in our marriages when we take control away from our husbands, outside of God’s commands and protection?

One area where we take control in a very deceptive way is when we have situations where we fear our husband’s anger. We watch what we say, walk “on eggshells”, keep information from them, and take on responsibilities and roles that were never intended for us to take. We don’t allow our husbands to succeed (which sometimes comes through their own failure). God’s word says in Philippians 4:13: (our husbands) can do all things through Christ who strengthens (them)”. God has given me a new insight into the scriptures when I pray them over my husband…for my husband. God is talking to us, but how often do we make it personal and note that He is talking about THEM!!!! God’s word is true. It applies to our husbands. God’s promises are yes and amen.

Another thing we tend to do (and many books have been written about this and people have made a lot of money off this knowledge): We make the mistake of assuming men think like we do. We don’t understand that we were designed to be their ezer…helpmate, not their director, their controller. We excuse ourselves by thinking that when the men fail at something, we should step in and do it, that there will be less stress because we can get it done quicker (and sometimes better).

We also interpret struggle or pain in our husbands/children as our job to get rid of both. Isn’t it enlightening that scripture is full of words that we will suffer, have pain? – that God who can do all things, does NOT get rid of all suffering and pain in our lives. Is there perhaps wisdom in that??! We enable situations because we fail to see that God is not asking us to step outside our role and take control; it is our own desire to do it our way, which then triggers a myriad of problems. Scripture says: “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God all comfort, who comforts us in all our trouble so that we comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.” 2Cor 1:3-5

My mom often told the story about what happened when they first required me to take my turn washing dishes (I was in third grade); I would wash them and, I’m sure, would complain about having to do them. Then, after I went to bed, they would have to re-wash them so they were properly cleaned. I remember asking my Mom why they bothered to have me do them when they could have done them in the first place. Her response was: “because it was the only way you would learn to do them right.”

I am Gene’s helper, his cheerleader, his Barnabus. I am made to support him; to encourage him; to listen to him, to be his advocate, his best friend; to speak truth in love and humility. I am not to violate that by making jokes at his expense or discuss his inadequacies with others. We are pictures of God’s glory. I am to help him grow in that area as he is to help me.

Submission is a gift we give our husbands; it cannot be demanded; however, servitude can be taken and that is not God’s design. *

*A Life Embraced by Gayle Haggard

God has used submission to teach me about Himself. He has allowed me to see that when I am obedient to Him, when I give Him control of my life, He is able to work in me and in Gene. Shortly after coming into a new understanding of submission, God used a number of situations to teach me about Himself and about Gene.

One situation dealt with one of our children. After Gene and I had discussed a very painful situation about one of our sons, Gene made a decision to handle it in a specific way…..against what I thought we should do and instead, what he wanted to do. I remember thinking “He’s really angry about this and I’m not sure he sees the situation clearly”. But when the discussion was over, he told me he was going to do it his way. Now I did what lots of we women do: I got in the shower, turned the water on full force and cried. I told the Lord how I felt, how I thought Gene was making a wrong decision and that I was concerned for my son. I then felt the Lord asking me to give the situation to Him and leave it there. – to submit. With His help, I did.

The next day Gene came to me and told me that he had thought about the situation and had re-considered what he should do. He chose not to do as he had planned and together, we agreed on a new solution.

I learned in that experience that God works through His line of authority, and that He did hear my prayer. In this situation, He worked in Gene’s heart. I was not to take control. I have also come to understand that it is better to be under the right kind of authority (God’s design) and make a mistake; than it is to come out from under His authority and be right. The fact is, I would be wrong even if I was right. It’s about being OBEDIENT. Submission is obedience to God’s plan. In the book “A Life Embraced” (Gayle Haggard), it says: Submission is a heart attitude. It means choosing to rein yourself in for the purpose of helping and encouraging someone else in his or her leadership. It requires tremendous self control at times, and demonstrates STRENGTH, rather than weakness. When we submit ourselves to our husbands, we are willingly choosing to yield to their authority. We do this out of obedience to God.”

God is the One who tells us to submit to our husbands: Ephesians 5:22 says: “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord, for the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church”; in Colossians 3:18: “Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.”

Submission is also about no buts! Not too long ago I felt the Lord instructing me to go to a family member and ask for forgiveness. There had been a time when we had to speak to this person about something that was difficult and when we did our relationship was severed. In looking back, and as God was speaking to my heart, I realized it wasn’t about my being right, it was about loving and forgiveness. The fact was I had hurt this person and I needed to ask for forgiveness. But the Lord took it further: I could use no but’s. I couldn’t say things like, “I’m sorry, but you know it was for your good; I’m sorry that I hurt you but I was….
You get the picture! I was to ask for forgiveness and not excuse myself.

I see submission in the same way. God’s word says in Ephesians 5:21: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ”. It doesn’t say when it feels good or when you’re okay with it or when the outcome looks positive. It says do it….no buts. The amazing thing about our Amazing God is that, despite what we must go through or suffer, God promises to be with us. He is the only “but” we can use.

Jesus is the glory of God revealed. In the book, “Intimate Allies,” by Dan Allender and Tremper Longman, it says: “We are to enhance glory in our spouses to become more Christlike and we must allow our spouses to draw Christlikeness out of us. God has crowned us with His glory.”

Ps 3:3 “But you are a shield around me, O Lord; You bestow glory on me and lift up my head.”

We are made in the image of God. Jesus Christ wants to be the center and source of our marriages. He wants our marriages to reflect His glory. I am to see my spouse as a direct reflection of God’s glory. Ps 8:3-5 says: “When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man what you care for him: You made him a little lower than the heavenly beings, and crowned him with glory and honor”.

Thank you, Father.

Becky McGee